Finding Love After 50

Every Friday, I send out via email the Finding Love After 50 newsletter. Somewhere in the neighborhood of 4,000 singles across the USA and Canada at one time or another have read the newsletter. Some people have read it for 6+ years. Each week, about 1,500 read it.

In this blog, I've posted recent newsletters.

To receive four free issues of Tom's "Finding Love After 50" newsletter, go to www.findingloveafter50.com and sign up on the home page. I will never share your email address with anyone--that is my personal guarantee.

Each week, I select a topic of interest to middle age and senior singles. Something as simple as who pays for the date or as complex as when is sex permissable with a new relationship. The topics vary weekly although some themes (like, where are the men?) reoccur.

Give the newsletter a try. It's the only one of its kind and it's written from the male point of view.

Tom Blake

San Clemente, California

June 18, 2009

The topic of the Friday, June 19, 2009, Finding Love After 50 newsletter is: Older women dating younger men. Wise or taboo? I have been accused of being too conservative on older people--men and women--dating people younger. The accusations are ridiculous. Read tomorrow's newsletter by going to http://www.findingloveafter50.com/ and going to the homepage sign in. Takes 10 seconds.

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Dating a widower: Should Barb pull the plug?

Barb is involved in a long distance relationship with a widower and there are some issues that are starting to bother her.

Barb said, "I met a man on eHarmony; we have been seeing each other twice a month for a little over a year. He lives two hours away. He visits here and I visit there. The problem: His wife died six years ago and he still has her 11x14 picture in the dining area where we eat and drink coffee. He likes to kiss and hug me in front of the picture. I told him it makes me uncomfortable.

"Two different times while I was visiting he took the picture down and put it away. The last time I was there the picture was back up on the wall. I didn't say anything, so it is still there. "Also he has a lady that comes to clean once a month. The night before she was to come, he said he was going to tell her I was his sister. I was sure he was just kidding me. But the morning before she came, he asked me if I could sit at the end of the table instead of across from him, because that is where she sits.

"He said she started cleaning his house before his wife died. He said they sit and drink coffee for about an hour before she cleans. Her husband retired from the same place that he did, so they have a lot to talk about. I didn't feel threatened or jealous of her, but didn't like the idea that he asked me to sit at the end of the table. When we left so she could clean, he told me what a great gal she is and that he loved her.

"This has been festering inside of me for a week. It will be hard for me to tell him, but I think I need some time. Do you think I am making a mountain out of a mole hole?

"Also, I told him I am 70 and he is 71. How much longer will we be driving the two hours to see each other? I think I need to meet someone on my side of the state."

Tom's response: As I see it, there are three issues Barb is dealing with.

First: the picture. Having it still on the wall isn't the issue. Many widows and widowers have pictures of their deceased spouses in their homes. But enjoying kissing Barb in front of it is a bit strange. I wouldn't like that either. And then taking it down to please Barb, and then putting it back up is puzzling.

Second: the cleaning woman. His telling the woman that Barb is his sister and asking Barb to sit at the end of the table are insults to Barb. The nail in the coffin is saying he loves the other woman.

Third: the long-distance relationship. Two hours one way is four hours round trip. Barb must ask, "Is it worth it?" It wouldn't be for me.

Yes, Barb should find someone on her side of the state. But, that won't be easy either. At 70, that's tough for singles. However, she should be back on the Internet now, and not wait until they break up.

Hard to break the news to him? Why? He's the one acting like he doesn't love her. She should stop seeing him. Or, not drive to his home anymore. Maybe that would make him rethink his relationship with her--and possibly change his behavior.

Monica described two widowed people in their 80s who married after knowing each other for more than 65 years.In Monica’s story, the widower called old friends to let them know of his wife’s passing.

One friend was a widow of five years. She and her husband had been close friends of the widower and his wife. The four of them had lived together when they were between jobs and in school. The widower visited the widow, who lived by car seven hours away. Within months, he put his house on the market and moved in with her. They added an addition to her home, including a second master bedroom, to accommodate his belongings and privacy.

They married and traveled internationally together.But the man started having heart problems and now three years later, Monica says, “The widow appears to be wondering what she got herself into. Things are no longer paradise for this over-80 couple.”

Suzy, living in California, warned about getting in touch with old sweethearts: “I did and got badly burned. I kept thinking of him as he WAS…never saw what he IS today. “I was financially depleted after my ‘love’ seemed to need everything--clothes, furniture, insurance--and so on. I was so in love with the memory, I didn’t see the real thing. Don’t let yesteryear fog your vision.”

Note from Tom: Older singles should be leery of becoming involved with people who can't take care of themselves financially. People you date don't need to be rich, but if you're constantly going to have to be the bank, watch yourstep.

Judy, also in Calif., was engaged to a Navy man when she was 17, but didn’t marry him.
Forty-one years later, she was working on her family’s genealogy and was curious about him: “Found him on the internet in Louisiana,” Judy e-mailed. Her Cajun Navy man moved to California to be with her. They married on board the Newport Princess boat in Newport Beach. “Love is better the second time around,” Judy said.

The person who moves seems to sacrifice more. Judy said he misses the fishing in Louisiana and getting his legal affairs in order in California has been “a nightmare.”

Gary went to his 25th high school reunion and met his old girlfriend there. He kissed her in the same room of the same house where he had kissed her 25 years before. They are now happily married. Hooking up with an old flame can work but as Suzy says, “Don’t let yesteryear fog your vision.”

And, I might add, don’t let loneliness cloud your decision-making. A short-term fix might turn into a long-term disaster. As in most relationships, after the romance and passion wear off, the true challenges of making a relationship work must be faced.

When inevitable bumps in the road come along, particularly with older people who have health issues, because you’ve known somebody for 60 years doesn’t mean he or she will respond the way you hoped or thought he would. As Suzy suggested, view the person for what he or she is in the present, which will not be how he was 60 years ago.