Friday, June 12, 2009
Dating a widower: risky or wise?
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Dating a widower: Should Barb pull the plug?
Barb is involved in a long distance relationship with a widower and there are some issues that are starting to bother her.
Barb said, "I met a man on eHarmony; we have been seeing each other twice a month for a little over a year. He lives two hours away. He visits here and I visit there. The problem: His wife died six years ago and he still has her 11x14 picture in the dining area where we eat and drink coffee. He likes to kiss and hug me in front of the picture. I told him it makes me uncomfortable.
"Two different times while I was visiting he took the picture down and put it away. The last time I was there the picture was back up on the wall. I didn't say anything, so it is still there. "Also he has a lady that comes to clean once a month. The night before she was to come, he said he was going to tell her I was his sister. I was sure he was just kidding me. But the morning before she came, he asked me if I could sit at the end of the table instead of across from him, because that is where she sits.
"He said she started cleaning his house before his wife died. He said they sit and drink coffee for about an hour before she cleans. Her husband retired from the same place that he did, so they have a lot to talk about. I didn't feel threatened or jealous of her, but didn't like the idea that he asked me to sit at the end of the table. When we left so she could clean, he told me what a great gal she is and that he loved her.
"This has been festering inside of me for a week. It will be hard for me to tell him, but I think I need some time. Do you think I am making a mountain out of a mole hole?
"Also, I told him I am 70 and he is 71. How much longer will we be driving the two hours to see each other? I think I need to meet someone on my side of the state."
Tom's response: As I see it, there are three issues Barb is dealing with.
First: the picture. Having it still on the wall isn't the issue. Many widows and widowers have pictures of their deceased spouses in their homes. But enjoying kissing Barb in front of it is a bit strange. I wouldn't like that either. And then taking it down to please Barb, and then putting it back up is puzzling.
Second: the cleaning woman. His telling the woman that Barb is his sister and asking Barb to sit at the end of the table are insults to Barb. The nail in the coffin is saying he loves the other woman.
Third: the long-distance relationship. Two hours one way is four hours round trip. Barb must ask, "Is it worth it?" It wouldn't be for me.
Yes, Barb should find someone on her side of the state. But, that won't be easy either. At 70, that's tough for singles. However, she should be back on the Internet now, and not wait until they break up.
Hard to break the news to him? Why? He's the one acting like he doesn't love her. She should stop seeing him. Or, not drive to his home anymore. Maybe that would make him rethink his relationship with her--and possibly change his behavior.
Dating a widower: Should Barb pull the plug?
Barb is involved in a long distance relationship with a widower and there are some issues that are starting to bother her.
Barb said, "I met a man on eHarmony; we have been seeing each other twice a month for a little over a year. He lives two hours away. He visits here and I visit there. The problem: His wife died six years ago and he still has her 11x14 picture in the dining area where we eat and drink coffee. He likes to kiss and hug me in front of the picture. I told him it makes me uncomfortable.
"Two different times while I was visiting he took the picture down and put it away. The last time I was there the picture was back up on the wall. I didn't say anything, so it is still there. "Also he has a lady that comes to clean once a month. The night before she was to come, he said he was going to tell her I was his sister. I was sure he was just kidding me. But the morning before she came, he asked me if I could sit at the end of the table instead of across from him, because that is where she sits.
"He said she started cleaning his house before his wife died. He said they sit and drink coffee for about an hour before she cleans. Her husband retired from the same place that he did, so they have a lot to talk about. I didn't feel threatened or jealous of her, but didn't like the idea that he asked me to sit at the end of the table. When we left so she could clean, he told me what a great gal she is and that he loved her.
"This has been festering inside of me for a week. It will be hard for me to tell him, but I think I need some time. Do you think I am making a mountain out of a mole hole?
"Also, I told him I am 70 and he is 71. How much longer will we be driving the two hours to see each other? I think I need to meet someone on my side of the state."
Tom's response: As I see it, there are three issues Barb is dealing with.
First: the picture. Having it still on the wall isn't the issue. Many widows and widowers have pictures of their deceased spouses in their homes. But enjoying kissing Barb in front of it is a bit strange. I wouldn't like that either. And then taking it down to please Barb, and then putting it back up is puzzling.
Second: the cleaning woman. His telling the woman that Barb is his sister and asking Barb to sit at the end of the table are insults to Barb. The nail in the coffin is saying he loves the other woman.
Third: the long-distance relationship. Two hours one way is four hours round trip. Barb must ask, "Is it worth it?" It wouldn't be for me.
Yes, Barb should find someone on her side of the state. But, that won't be easy either. At 70, that's tough for singles. However, she should be back on the Internet now, and not wait until they break up.
Hard to break the news to him? Why? He's the one acting like he doesn't love her. She should stop seeing him. Or, not drive to his home anymore. Maybe that would make him rethink his relationship with her--and possibly change his behavior.
